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Communicating with Misrnatchers

Communicating with Misrnatchers
A mismatcher is someone who disagrees with everything you say,
on principle. The term, polarity responder is also used. Often you
find that teenagers, in the process of asserting their own identity,
take on a mismatching role - possibly so that they know they are
deciding what to do, rather than have anyone else telling them.
Sometimes this trait continues into adult life. These people will do
the exact opposite of what you ask, or disagree with anything you
say - on principle.
The best way to build rapport with someone who mismatches is
to match them with your physiology and utilise their words. You
take what they say, and put a polarity twist in it. With a deter-
mined mismatcher, you could say, “I don’t think you will agree
with me on this”. And then add “But. . . ” and say what you
thought. They would probably respond, “Well, actually, no, I do”,
because they would want to mismatch you.
Once you have identified someone as a mismatcher, it becomes
easy to communicate with them. You just need to frame things in
this way:
“I don’t think you will believe this. But . . . ”
“I don’t know that you will want to do this, but . . . ”
With children you could say:
“I don’t suppose you want to go to bed yet, do you?”
“No bed for you tonight!” Presenting Magically
Consider your voice tonality as you say these sentences. You
could use a tone of disbelief: “You can’t do that”, so that you will
get, “Oh, yes, I can!” In which case you are helping them to get
where they want to go anyway.
Embedded commands
Within any sentence, you can emphasise, or tonally mark out, any
commands embedded in it. The commands in the sentences above
are the verbs: believe, do, go to bed. You can use this in presenting
and training by putting emphasis on what you want the audience
to do. You are giving the command wrapped up or embedded in a
longer sentence, so that it communicates more to the unconscious
mind. In that way it is more likely to create compliance.
People use embedded commands all the time. In the following
examples the embedded commands are underlined:
“I don’t know whether you want to come to this training
course, but if you do, you need to book now.”
People often do this negatively without noticing. For example,
they say:
“I’m not going to put up with this any longer.”
“Don’t forget to call me.”
“The training room is down the corridor; you can’t miss it.”
The emphasis is on the opposite of what is wanted. Remember,
the brain deals with negatives only after it has processed the posi-
tive command.
You may find it instructive to explore how embedded commands
are used in this book. This is one of the secrets that has been in full
view all the time!
Meetings with mismatchers
In meetings, no matter what ideas you come up with,
mismatchers tend to present reasons why they won’t work. They
will see the downside of everything. Alternatively, if you say
something won’t work, they will come up with some reasons why
it will.
In fact, this is a useful role in the group, especially if everyone else
is very positive; you do need to check out possible obstructions,
hazards and pitfalls. Mismatching is a useful skill to have, as long
as it is handled productively. If it is happening continually
throughout a meeting, ultimately nothing gets done. Once you
have identified a mismatcher, limit their input to a specific time in
the meeting. Frame this by explaining to them that during the
meeting they have a special job to do:
“Because you have this remarkable skill of finding out the little
things that may prevent something from working, which could
affect the success of the project, I want you to let us know what
all those things are in the last five minutes of the meeting. Until
then, all I want you to do is just listen and note them down.”
They will then very likely say, “Oh, great. Thanks”, because you
are acknowledging them, rather than trying to shut them up. And
they will cooperate because you are utilising their particular skill,
which other people in the group don’t have. This will completely
transform your meetings, and your projects will progress. By flip-
ping the communication the other way, everything becomes

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